Today’s Featured Video: You know the expression “Sh**ting bricks”? Well this is how that happens…

First Funny in the Morning!

Poor Responses to the Question “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”

• “Define ‘fat.’”
• “Let me jog around to your front and take a look.”
• “Whoa!  A talking couch!!”
• “Fatter than what?”
• “Yes, but in a cute baby-fat kind of way.”
• “I don’t know.  Do these stilts make me look tall?”
• “Not when I look at you through the wrong end of these binoculars.”
• “Don’t worry, with that nose, no one’s gonna be looking there.”

Guess the Year!

• US and Soviet Union sign the SALT II treaty in Vienna.
• Actor John Wayne dies of cancer at age 72.
• “Dukes of Hazzard” premieres on CBS
• Willie Stargell and Keith Hernandez share NL MVP Award NL
• “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer hits #1 on the U.S. top 40 chart and stayed there for 3 weeks.

Guess the Year answer: 1979

Impossible Question!
The average person has this happen to them 17 times a year. What is it?
Answer: Wrong number
Winner: Harvey from Corsica, South Dakota

YOUR ANNUAL FIREWORKS SAFETY TIPS FROM CONSUMER REPORTS . . . . . .

• Let the pros handle it.
• Never allow young children to handle fireworks or sparklers.
• Keep it legal.
• Look for labels and read the instructions.
• Check for recalls.
• Never mix alcohol and fireworks.
• Know how it works. A fuse is not a simple wick; it contains powder and is designed to burn from 3 to 9 seconds.
• Never ignite fireworks in a container, especially one made of glass or metal.
• Anticipate what will happen if winds change abruptly.
• Don’t stand (or keep any body parts) directly over fireworks while lighting them.
• Make sure everyone else is out of range before lighting fireworks.
• Keep a bucket of water or fire extinguisher handy.
• Let sleeping fireworks lie. Don’t try to re-light fireworks that don’t ignite.
• Consider wearing hearing protection for items that make noise, as well as eye protection.
• If you do get injured from fireworks, seek immediate medical help.

AND MY LIST …..

• Be cautious of anyone uttering the phrase “We’re doing this for YouTube.”
• Never launch a bottle/sky rocket from an orifice.
• Sparklers still make you look stupid.
• Avoid it if the only instructions on it are in Chinese.
• Avoid it if it was handmade in a trailer by a “feller named Bubba.”
• Roman Candles aren’t really candles, so keep them off the dining room table.
• Fireworks are not a sport and you don’t get points if you hit a moving target.
• Stupid and fireworks don’t work either.

PATRIOTIC MOVIES

“Born On the Fourth Of July”
“1776″
“The Crossing”
“Howards of Virginia”
“The Spirit of ‘76″
“Men of Honor”
“Patton”
“MacArthur”
“Hart’s War”
“Thomas Jefferson”
“The Longest Day”

FAST FACTS

• Australian Chemist, John Macadamia, discovered the Macadamia nut.
• Buzz Aldrin was the first man, and maybe the only man, to pee his pants on the moon.
• In South Africa, termites are roasted and eaten by the handful, like pretzels or popcorn.
• Bill Clinton is allergic to dairy.
• Eskimos never gamble.
• The Earth moves around the Sun at a speed approximately 8 times faster than a bullet.
• Snails produce a colorless, sticky discharge that forms a protective carpet under them as they travel along. The discharge is so effective that snails can crawl along the edge of a razor without cutting themselves.
• In 1911, daredevil Bobby Beach broke nearly all the bones in his body after surviving a barrel ride over Niagara Falls. Sometime later in New Zealand, he slipped on a banana and died from the fall.
• In 2002, Chicago police officer Jessie Watts Jr. arrested two men who tried to burglarize the minivan he was occupying during an undercover surveillance.